Sometimes, I try to be really good at something when the secret is actually to be really messy. In other words, I tend to lean into perfectionism when I really want a non-performative, authentic existence where I share all the nuanced, imperfectly perfect things about being human.

So I am trying to do that now — more authenticity, less polished-self-inflicted-agony-about-where-to-put-a-comma-or-questioning-if-my-thought-makes sense.

Life is an ongoing exploration of deciding what truth is — and a knowing that nothing is fixed — nothing has to be wrapped up in a tiny little bow, everything is evolving.

To honor this idea, I am beginning this newsletter: my weekly inventory called Collective Matter. These are the things I’ve been investigating, collecting, and excavating: i.e., thoughts, feelings, literature, art, philosophy, creation.

The way I see the world is that everything is connected. I understand and process my existence through piecing together art, writing, photos, moments —things that are circling my orbit — and I want to share this way of thinking with you.

Laying it all out like a bag of sea shells still covered in salt and sand, because that is what feels right.

Sunday

On Sunday I collected a Mint Tea from Canyon Coffee and a new perspective on relationships and intimacy.

Early Sunday morning, I woke up from an anxiety-ridden dream about the person I am dating not being who I think they are.

The night before, he and I had gotten into a discussion, and it was the first time that I felt we didn’t see eye to eye on something significant— it made a very big impact on my perception of him.

In the morning, I texted my friend, Natalie, “Would you wanna get a coffee and chat — I’m so conflicted with this boy, and I’d love your advice.”

There is this thing that happens when you are dating someone that I seem to have forgotten about— as you get to know them, you get to know them— crazy, right? I know…

As you become emotionally intimate with a person, layers are slowly stripped away, and they reveal the intricacies of how they have come to be— their beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and way of life.

Inevitably, there will be things there that are not always favorable, that go against what you have been projecting, or are just very confusing to process.

This reveal puts a mirror in front of you, and you have to ask yourself, is this workable? or do I walk away?

The thing is, as Natalie pointed out, “Every relationship has issues, and there will probably be even more than this— just tread lightly.”

No one is perfect; everyone has flaws, so you have to decide what’s worth working through. This sounds terrible to me if I’m honest. I’ve been very good at being single; it is very easy not to have to work through things— I enjoy living in my little bubble of single-perspective bliss.

But I know that deep down, I want a deep connection, and to get there, I can’t run away at the first sign of smoke, especially if the other person is willing to listen, receive, and work through things with me.

So Sunday was about recognizing my tendency to want to run away when things get hard— and my desire to be someone patient, curious, and understanding — while also speaking my truth and standing by my morals.

This realization didn’t stop me from feeling all the feelings — and the processing continued around what we accept, how long we try to work things through, and whether certain issues that arise early on are clear indications to run the other way… So I locked myself away and painted for the rest of the evening.

Monday

My morning yogi tea tag says, “Let the opportunities come to you.” and I added the tag to my altar of special/lucky things that live on a shelf in my kitchen.
The tag now leans against a crystal, which I hope amplifies the sentiment.

While I sipped the tea, I wrote down my dream about being in a play, and not knowing my lines. classic. My unconscious mind is processing this new feeling of being in something (a relationship) that I’m not quite sure how to navigate— I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do or say. Mostly, I’m still feeling like it’s easier to run away— which is how I handled the play situation in the dream.

I’ve been meditating this week, for 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night — unfortunately, and ironically this is where I do my best thinking— not sure that’s the point — pretty sure it’s not the point at all.

I’ve been waiting to hit the Mediation Runners High because, right now, it feels like a physical workout.

Overall, it is nice to notice all of the things that are coming up in this time that I’ve carved out to *not think* — how intrusive my thoughts feel in this container and the lack of control I have over them. This reflection is key.

I called Bianca, and I told her about how I’m discovering how hard it is to get to know a man’s mind intimately and how I think men’s brains work differently than women's. She agrees but reminds me to remain curious.

We talked about compartmentalizing, and when we hung up, I dove deep into this idea more thoroughly to try and understand the brain of a man:

Research suggests that, on average, men tend to be better at compartmentalizing their thoughts and emotions than women. This could be due to both social conditioning and neurological differences.

From a psychological perspective, men are often raised to separate emotions from logic and problem-solving, which can make them more inclined to view beliefs or issues in isolation rather than as interconnected. Neurologically, some studies suggest that men’s brains have more intra-hemispheric connections (within each hemisphere), while women’s brains have more inter-hemispheric connections (between hemispheres), potentially making women more likely to integrate emotions, values, and experiences holistically.

Tuesday

On my new daily walk ritual, I listened to Jessa Reed’s podcast AOD and thought about paradigm shifts, non-attachment, and human design.

One line she said stays with me:

“Were you wrong or were you just experiencing the other side of that reality?”

I thought about this from all sides.
I sent my research on compartmentalizing to the boy I’m dating.
I made a painting of a horse (also a dream image that has been reoccurring).
I watched David Lynch: The Art Life
I cut my bangs — possibly too short
and made a to-do list:

• Soften

• Lean back

• Roll up your pants

• Dip your toes in the water

• Let all things to wash over you

• Remain curious

Wednesday

I am experimenting, trying to uncover what is most energizing.

In my journal, I spend several days considering making a film. I used to make films so it feels like something I might want to get back to. So I say to myself,

“On Wednesday I will make a film.”

— I try to make a film and I realize I don’t want to make films at all.

— So I painted instead.

While I painted, I listened to the Album Crushing by Julia Jacklin — which I knew would probably make me cry as I moved through all of these feelings about what I want in a relationship.

I said to myself, I should probably just let myself cry — what am I afraid of?

The Album is about the end of a relationship, so I thought maybe it would put things into perspective.

There is a song on the album called, Don’t Know How to Keep Loving You.

The lyrics are: I don’t know how to keep loving you, now that I know you so well.

And they land deeply.

I start thinking about how the more time we spend with someone, the more we see them, and the risks of a deeply intimate relationship. The nature of love is that we do not get to see all the cards laid out on the table in the beginning, with any person you are in a relationship with, you have to risk that one day, maybe way down the line, you may discover something that could shift everything — this is the case with every relationship.

It is complex because this person in front of you is someone who you may love deeply, whom you care so much for, they are a complex creature made up of many parts, things that fit into your soul like a puzzle piece, and here arises this thing that completely shadows over it all and you have to decide if you and them can mold it into something— press it and smooth it back into this clay sculpture you’ve been shaping — are you able to work through it?

There is an idea in alchemy: no energy can be created or destroyed - only transformed.

I think about how this relationship is relatively new — that I could leave now.

I think about how if I leave now — I will inevitably discover something in the next partner that I don’t like.

Thursday

I watch my friend’s seventh-month-old baby and feel completely separated from my life and my routine. I play house. I wonder if I’m wasting my time in a relationship that I am not certain about— if the experience is keeping me from “my person.”

As I rock the crying baby to sleep I think, I don’t want this, at least not right now.

I return home feeling burnt out by the experience and write:

*The rest of this newsletter is paid content — I appreciate your support in making my dreams of being a writer come true.