I was going to write something more thought out— but I’m too tired. I’ve been so exhausted lately. Everything feels like its piling up— or stopped all together.

I feel like I need to be plugged into the wall. I want to be a small child again. I want to be held. I don’t want to do laundry, or dishes, or pay any bills. I want to lay down in the sun, and kiss someone lovely; and if I can’t do that I’ll be content with sleeping all day and laying in the sun.

I should have been born a cat. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything at all. I wouldn’t have to have any goals, or worry about what I’m doing with my life— cats dont worry about anything, they just glide around and nap and stick up their noses, and everyone loves them for no reason.

I called my mother in hopes of getting some advice— she said, just be present, which is good advice— and advice I tell myself often— but its nice when she says it because it’s like she’s giving me the external permission that I’ve been looking for.

When your mother tells you to do something, and it’s the right thing, or the thing you’ve known all along, its like, yes, ok, she’s told me to do this thing so if I do it, it’s not on me, it was her advice so I’ll follow it, and then if it’s the wrong thing to do in the end— its not my fault.

Silly.

I should take responsibility for my life and my decisions.

I do. I do take responsibility for my life and my decisions, but sometimes I feel like I left my head somewhere, and my heart somewhere else— and the thing I’ve been saying all along (stay present) sounds weird and wrong and different— like when you say a word too many times and it looses it’s meaning.

*

Why is it easier to tell your friends you believe in them, then it is to tell yourself?

I left my friend several voice notes the other day explaining my process of surrender, and the tools I am using to continue to trust— certain that if they used these tools all their dreams would come true; but not certain they are working for me.

I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to write about, but maybe instead of writing about them I’ll just leave it as a mysterious list— and let you decipher it— and find your own meaning. It doesn’t really need any explanation, like art.

It’s an art piece.

Quantum leap
Hiking
Positive mindset
Blessings are abundant
Happiness
Hormones
The plants moving
Perfectionism
Trusting the call
Sharing
Community
Surrender

All this writing feels a little non-sen-sical. I’m tired, and there was a full moon and an eclipse and Mercury retrograde and Venus retrograde, and Neptune’s doing something — and I feel like I just have to let everything flow through my hands like little grains of sand.

I’m trying desperately not to destroy anything fragile.

Surrender. Thats all I really wanted to write about. Surrender. To what is right now. I keep checking in with myself, asking— Are you safe in this moment? yes. Do you have a roof over your head? yes. Food in your fridge? yes. Love from your friends and family? yes. Then all is well — dont worry about tomorrow.

Thats all. Surrender, and be present.

I am sitting outside and my neighbors cat has come to visit me. She doesn’t seem to worry about anything, just sticking her nose up, meowing and gliding along. What a life.

Thats all for now.

Nothing at all, but lots to chew on.

love always,

N.S.